Thank you so much for sharing more about yourself with us! It was a really interesting read. I related so much to your comment about watching programs outside the norm of a typical teenager...I was obsessed with things from the past, as well, including the 1995 Pride and Prejudice, hahaha!
I love what you said about abusers being responsible for the astronomical costs to taxpayers, NOT domestic abuse, and that we need to focus both on education as prevention of abuse, but also putting barricades in place to stop current abusers being allowed to continue to abuse.
As a child I had a coercively controlling father and our world became smaller and smaller. I stopped having friends over sometime around the age of 8, and increasingly I stopped going to friends' houses, too. I stopped talking to others at school. I developed eating disorders. I spent a lot of time alone in my bedroom. I escaped my father's abuse by going away to college. I got into a prestigious school and had to take out lots of loans (I'm in the US), but once I graduated I was so ill from my autoimmune disease that I was diagnosed with at age 16 that I couldn't work much and I was unable to afford a place of my own. I had no choice but to live with my parents and endure further abuse. The student loan debt kept me trapped there. The only way out seemed to be to go to graduate school so I could get a better job and earn more money, but that required taking on more debt. I did it anyway, and did finally escape...but only because I met my first husband during grad school and we married shortly after I graduated. He turned out to be an even more terrifying coercive controller. I had a daughter with him before I was aware I was being abused and then I escaped with her when she was two. He's been dragging me to court for twelve years now.
All this is to say that your work has been so helpful for me, and I'm so grateful for it! It was nice to read about how you came to this work, and I like to think we would have been friends had we been in one another's orbit during our teenage years. (Though I'm in the US and about ten years older than you, haha! Still, I have always been so deprived of friendships...even now thanks to smear campaigns by my ex-husband...so it's a nice to imagine teenage me having you as a friend!)
Thank you again! Protective mothers and their children are very lucky to have you as our ally!
Heather your comment demonstrates so powerfully how much societies are failing at helping people in situations like yours. I hope the court nightmare can be over for you soon. Is your child 18 in about 4 more years? Yes, I should think we would have been friends if we'd had known each other as young people. Sending you hugs.
Aw, thanks so much! Yeah, we have almost made it to the 3.5 years left to go mark. I hate that I'm wishing my only child's childhood away. But my second husband and I are already going through bankruptcy proceedings as it is. One more round in family court and we'll lose custody simply because we'll have to start living in our car. And even though my abuser is violating the court order regularly, I know that there's little justice (if any) to be had in family court...so I tiptoe around him like I always have and try not to anger him so he doesn't take me back to court again. I also keep doing whatever I can to form a strong bond with my daughter, because even after she's 18 he can still take her from me emotionally and psychologically, if not legally. It's so exhausting, and the stress is destroying my physical health. I wish more people understood how devastating it is to so many people when even a single coercive controller isn't held accountable and they spend decades wreaking havoc. I appreciate the work you're doing so much because you are really explaining how harmful they are in such a clear way. Thank you!
I hear you. What both your ex and the systems are doing to you and your husband and daughter is so very unjust. The toll is massive. And all because societies refuse to stop this.
Dear Heather, your story nearly made tears come to my eyes. Well done you for resisting the abuse! It’s horrific that society enables abusers in so many ways. Cyber hugs to you from Australia. 🙂
Great read Emma. Your definition of post separation abuse is spot on. The impact of the power and threat behind the abuse i.e the perpetrator, needs to be the focus. I have just got a new credit on Audible, so i'll check out your book, thanks for raising that. I just wish there was more research out there on the impact on adult children of post separation abuse......unfortunately that is what I am going through now, aged 67. I know many 'senior' women who are experiencing what I am: an adult child not speaking to their mother because of the subtle manipulation their father metes out to draw them away from caring parent.
Great comment Sue Winter! You’re right the adult children are often manipulated by the abuser. I’ve heard many accounts of that from survivors. It’s heartbreaking.
This blog post has some accounts of this. You may find it helpful.
I hope you find the book useful Sue :) Yes, there must be so many 'senior' women going through this, it is so under-recognised yet such a big blight on women's lives.
So inspiring to read your background... particularly as have always wondered what led you to such constant lucid, erudite & unbiased analysis of such a complex and nuanced sphere.
Your work is so incredibly vital and groundbreaking.
Not just as a toolkit for the millions of mothers & children trying to comprehend & survive co-ercive control, but even more powerfully as a framework for legal & social systems to evolve & adapt: to better recognize & prevent such pervasive anti-social behavior from seeding in the first place.
In just the last 4-6 years co-ercive control has shot from an obscure phrase in the public domain to the introduction of laws in the US/UK & AUS that is now being recognized beyond the borders of Domestic Abuse.
Immense gratitude that such an unbiased & academic powerhouse is shining the floodlight on such a dark and little understood, yet so common, social dysfunction that has so seriously impacted too many innocents.
Wow such a powerful read , your journey to academia is so inspirational , your focus on Tudor history Elizabeth 1 , gave you the inspiration and thirst for learning , simply amazing . I follow your work Emma you truly are a game changer and leader in DA CC and a voice for mothers and children 💪❤️we are lucky to have you leading the way 🥰
Gosh Emma, you really are an extraordinary woman! It takes such strength to be true to yourself in a world that is endeavouring to make us like everyone else. Bravo!
Thank you so much for taking the trouble to tell us a little of your story. Your insight and commitment to this subject is world changing.
Thank you :) Yes, it's one of my defining character traits that I'm unconventional and don't give into social pressure much. Studying sociology really helps with this, because you learn that many things are not natural or inevitable and could be done differently.
Thanks Emma for giving us your personal background. I too love the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. So does my (now adult) daughter — we were both abused by her father.
When she was a child, my daughter memorised the scene in Pride and Prejudice where Lady Catherine de Bourgh interrogates and berates Lizzie, and Lizzie resists and ends up walking away. The scene encapsulates so many dynamics of abuse. It’s brilliant!
Another great scene that encapsulates how to resist and expose an abuser is in the BBC version of David Copperfield, where Aunt Betsy Trotwood tears strips off Edward Murdstone.
Thank you for being you and taking on this particular line of research - so validating to have someone give us language for what we are going through xx
I was wondering what you think meaningful barriers to abusing might actually be? I was listening to a podcast hosted by Celeste Headlee, in which she interviewed Kate Manne. The conversation moved to the topic of actually caring about victim-survivors (in the context of ‘himpathy’ and sexual violence). As a victim-survivor of coercive control I feel broadly tolerated, but not cared for. People call me courageous and admirable, but that feels to me like a variant of how good I am at fending for myself. I’m exhausted and constantly aware of the lack of structure around me. I can’t tell you how much of an impression your work has had on my ability to understand what’s happened to me. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing more about yourself with us! It was a really interesting read. I related so much to your comment about watching programs outside the norm of a typical teenager...I was obsessed with things from the past, as well, including the 1995 Pride and Prejudice, hahaha!
I love what you said about abusers being responsible for the astronomical costs to taxpayers, NOT domestic abuse, and that we need to focus both on education as prevention of abuse, but also putting barricades in place to stop current abusers being allowed to continue to abuse.
As a child I had a coercively controlling father and our world became smaller and smaller. I stopped having friends over sometime around the age of 8, and increasingly I stopped going to friends' houses, too. I stopped talking to others at school. I developed eating disorders. I spent a lot of time alone in my bedroom. I escaped my father's abuse by going away to college. I got into a prestigious school and had to take out lots of loans (I'm in the US), but once I graduated I was so ill from my autoimmune disease that I was diagnosed with at age 16 that I couldn't work much and I was unable to afford a place of my own. I had no choice but to live with my parents and endure further abuse. The student loan debt kept me trapped there. The only way out seemed to be to go to graduate school so I could get a better job and earn more money, but that required taking on more debt. I did it anyway, and did finally escape...but only because I met my first husband during grad school and we married shortly after I graduated. He turned out to be an even more terrifying coercive controller. I had a daughter with him before I was aware I was being abused and then I escaped with her when she was two. He's been dragging me to court for twelve years now.
All this is to say that your work has been so helpful for me, and I'm so grateful for it! It was nice to read about how you came to this work, and I like to think we would have been friends had we been in one another's orbit during our teenage years. (Though I'm in the US and about ten years older than you, haha! Still, I have always been so deprived of friendships...even now thanks to smear campaigns by my ex-husband...so it's a nice to imagine teenage me having you as a friend!)
Thank you again! Protective mothers and their children are very lucky to have you as our ally!
Heather your comment demonstrates so powerfully how much societies are failing at helping people in situations like yours. I hope the court nightmare can be over for you soon. Is your child 18 in about 4 more years? Yes, I should think we would have been friends if we'd had known each other as young people. Sending you hugs.
Aw, thanks so much! Yeah, we have almost made it to the 3.5 years left to go mark. I hate that I'm wishing my only child's childhood away. But my second husband and I are already going through bankruptcy proceedings as it is. One more round in family court and we'll lose custody simply because we'll have to start living in our car. And even though my abuser is violating the court order regularly, I know that there's little justice (if any) to be had in family court...so I tiptoe around him like I always have and try not to anger him so he doesn't take me back to court again. I also keep doing whatever I can to form a strong bond with my daughter, because even after she's 18 he can still take her from me emotionally and psychologically, if not legally. It's so exhausting, and the stress is destroying my physical health. I wish more people understood how devastating it is to so many people when even a single coercive controller isn't held accountable and they spend decades wreaking havoc. I appreciate the work you're doing so much because you are really explaining how harmful they are in such a clear way. Thank you!
I hear you. What both your ex and the systems are doing to you and your husband and daughter is so very unjust. The toll is massive. And all because societies refuse to stop this.
Dear Heather, your story nearly made tears come to my eyes. Well done you for resisting the abuse! It’s horrific that society enables abusers in so many ways. Cyber hugs to you from Australia. 🙂
Thank you, Barbara. Cyber hugs to you from the US! 🤗
Great read Emma. Your definition of post separation abuse is spot on. The impact of the power and threat behind the abuse i.e the perpetrator, needs to be the focus. I have just got a new credit on Audible, so i'll check out your book, thanks for raising that. I just wish there was more research out there on the impact on adult children of post separation abuse......unfortunately that is what I am going through now, aged 67. I know many 'senior' women who are experiencing what I am: an adult child not speaking to their mother because of the subtle manipulation their father metes out to draw them away from caring parent.
Great comment Sue Winter! You’re right the adult children are often manipulated by the abuser. I’ve heard many accounts of that from survivors. It’s heartbreaking.
This blog post has some accounts of this. You may find it helpful.
https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2012/04/30/restoring-relationships-with-estranged-children-by-jeff-crippen/
I hope you find the book useful Sue :) Yes, there must be so many 'senior' women going through this, it is so under-recognised yet such a big blight on women's lives.
So inspiring to read your background... particularly as have always wondered what led you to such constant lucid, erudite & unbiased analysis of such a complex and nuanced sphere.
Your work is so incredibly vital and groundbreaking.
Not just as a toolkit for the millions of mothers & children trying to comprehend & survive co-ercive control, but even more powerfully as a framework for legal & social systems to evolve & adapt: to better recognize & prevent such pervasive anti-social behavior from seeding in the first place.
In just the last 4-6 years co-ercive control has shot from an obscure phrase in the public domain to the introduction of laws in the US/UK & AUS that is now being recognized beyond the borders of Domestic Abuse.
Immense gratitude that such an unbiased & academic powerhouse is shining the floodlight on such a dark and little understood, yet so common, social dysfunction that has so seriously impacted too many innocents.
Thank you so much Kate.
Wow such a powerful read , your journey to academia is so inspirational , your focus on Tudor history Elizabeth 1 , gave you the inspiration and thirst for learning , simply amazing . I follow your work Emma you truly are a game changer and leader in DA CC and a voice for mothers and children 💪❤️we are lucky to have you leading the way 🥰
Thank you :)
Gosh Emma, you really are an extraordinary woman! It takes such strength to be true to yourself in a world that is endeavouring to make us like everyone else. Bravo!
Thank you so much for taking the trouble to tell us a little of your story. Your insight and commitment to this subject is world changing.
Thank you :) Yes, it's one of my defining character traits that I'm unconventional and don't give into social pressure much. Studying sociology really helps with this, because you learn that many things are not natural or inevitable and could be done differently.
Thanks Emma for giving us your personal background. I too love the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. So does my (now adult) daughter — we were both abused by her father.
When she was a child, my daughter memorised the scene in Pride and Prejudice where Lady Catherine de Bourgh interrogates and berates Lizzie, and Lizzie resists and ends up walking away. The scene encapsulates so many dynamics of abuse. It’s brilliant!
Another great scene that encapsulates how to resist and expose an abuser is in the BBC version of David Copperfield, where Aunt Betsy Trotwood tears strips off Edward Murdstone.
I used to be able to recite that whole scene with Lizzie standing up to Lady Catherine myself too. In that adaptation Lizzie is a good role model.
Thank you for being you and taking on this particular line of research - so validating to have someone give us language for what we are going through xx
Thanks so much Vicki x
I was wondering what you think meaningful barriers to abusing might actually be? I was listening to a podcast hosted by Celeste Headlee, in which she interviewed Kate Manne. The conversation moved to the topic of actually caring about victim-survivors (in the context of ‘himpathy’ and sexual violence). As a victim-survivor of coercive control I feel broadly tolerated, but not cared for. People call me courageous and admirable, but that feels to me like a variant of how good I am at fending for myself. I’m exhausted and constantly aware of the lack of structure around me. I can’t tell you how much of an impression your work has had on my ability to understand what’s happened to me. Thank you!
You raise really, really important points. I'll have to have a think about it.
I’ll look forward to your thoughts in the fullness of time. Thank you for your reply!