Abuser is also seen as an innocent victim by the court, police and friends & family when victim fights at the court and child is completely under his control to reject her. I found so many people in the power to make the decisions are utterly naive.
What I as a victim tell them about what he as a abuser did were so outrageous I was seen a paranoid mother who is totally obsessed with his alleged actions and unable to see her contribution to child’s rejection of her and reported (patronisingly) a grieving mother who can’t accept a rejection by her child.
Some children are completely frightened by abuser they would lie and throw a victim parent under the bus in order to protect themselves, specifically children see everyone else is naive and there is no way out.
I hear you. Yes, it's so often the case. What the abuser did is so outrageous that people won't wrap their heads around it and call the victim paranoid instead.
Children can be so scared of the abuser and so aware that no one in power is willing to protect them that they fall into line with the abuser to survive. The children are just doing what an adult victim often does, especially after she's called the police a few times and they've failed to protect her. Fall in line with the abuser to survive. It's not surprising that some children do this. Yet courts are blind to it.
I would love to see more training particularly for police and Magistrates on recognition of reactive abuse.
For myself what helped me to finally get out , was the realisation that he always did what he could to make me react, as soon as he could, so he could claim my reaction as the problem, especially deliberately trying to trigger me around his family. I am late diagnosed ADHD/Autistic, once my first child was diagnosed and I could see my similarities, that made me more vulnerable, I engaged in therapies and learnt some extreme self regulation techniques, which helped to stop myself from reacting. At the end of the relationship he couldn’t make me react anymore and he didn’t know how to control me, he was now the person who clearly was the aggressor. Exposed, his hostility increased as I stopped reacting. It was clear it was him all along.
Reactive abuse isn’t just in intimate relationships, it can also be applied in the workplace and other areas of life, where people find insidious ways to carry out a pattern of abuse and control of others, through deliberate trigger layering.
Brilliant points, thank you. I'm not very keen on the term reactive abuse personally, because I think it risks labelling a survivor's reactions as abusive behaviour.
I agree, I can’t remember other terms that have been used to better describe it. It is a big reason why women remain trapped being told their reaction to abuse, is abuse.
You have no idea how powerful & healing this is. 30 Years in Coercive Control-Abuse "marriage" now fighting Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer & abuser is STILL abusing me... and I'm still fighting back to survive... But he won't let me live...
Please keep telling these stories - there are so many of us on death row via illness... please keep showing the world that these abusers are WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE (biologically, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually). Abusive men WILL NOT STOP AND HAVE NO MERCY, NO HUMANITY... even for their own children.
Some day we’ll write the self help book The Modern Woman’s Guide To Supermarket Encounters With The Man Who Tried To Murder You. That was my actual day today, and I know I’m not alone. But heaven forbid we make a fuss.
I want to send this to everyone I know to describe what life has been like, and to explain why I’m silent, anxious, smaller than I was. But you’ve also reminded me that I’m a person outside of this experience, and for that I’m grateful.
This is so insightful and smart, so well explained. Your examples are right from the trenches of abuse, which most people find too hard to speak of or address directly. It’s hard to thank you enough for seeing and speaking and getting it.
This is incredibly important and well written, and so validating for victim-survivors.
I wish I could put this in front of and make mandatory for all my colleague family and crime magistrates. This is what we get wrong all the time: we can’t see the difference between a) two people having an argument and b) an abusive conflict where one is dominating/controlling/abusing and the other is reacting to the abuse. Different context, entirely different situations. Also, the abuser often paints themselves as the victim, and we spend as much time giving serious consideration (and precious time) to this as we do to the valid claims of domestic abuse that puts women and children at real risk of real harm.
The magistracy and the judiciary, as well as the rest of society, has so so much to learn. Keep educating us Emma. Sincerely, thank you.
Gosh Emma, this is so articulate, thoughtful and enlightening, which, of course, all your work is and it is so good to see this all outlined and explained. The questions you raise then answer, plus describing the intentions behind the behaviours such as throwing something or name calling truly get underneath how some of us have lived. Our actions come out of desperation, theirs are for fun, their game playing. We are just trying to survive, fighting for our sanity and autonomy and from how you’ve written things here it shouldn’t be too difficult not only for the professionals around us to recognise this, but our families, friends, neighbours and colleagues too. In my experience, our standing up for ourselves can backfire, be held against us and used as an excuse to enable and collude with a perpetrator. We end up further mired in a frightening mess and even more exhausted as we are deemed partly to blame for conflict, just as you say, and it becomes even harder to escape. Thank you, as always, for highlighting and helping us understand yet another important aspect of how we remain trapped. Other people play a more massive part than I - and no doubt many others - realised. All your work can help us feel less bad about ourselves for staying and that matters. ❤️🙏
I think your work is courageous and groundbreaking. I am so grateful for your work.
Thank you, that means so much to me.
Abuser is also seen as an innocent victim by the court, police and friends & family when victim fights at the court and child is completely under his control to reject her. I found so many people in the power to make the decisions are utterly naive.
What I as a victim tell them about what he as a abuser did were so outrageous I was seen a paranoid mother who is totally obsessed with his alleged actions and unable to see her contribution to child’s rejection of her and reported (patronisingly) a grieving mother who can’t accept a rejection by her child.
Some children are completely frightened by abuser they would lie and throw a victim parent under the bus in order to protect themselves, specifically children see everyone else is naive and there is no way out.
I hear you. Yes, it's so often the case. What the abuser did is so outrageous that people won't wrap their heads around it and call the victim paranoid instead.
Children can be so scared of the abuser and so aware that no one in power is willing to protect them that they fall into line with the abuser to survive. The children are just doing what an adult victim often does, especially after she's called the police a few times and they've failed to protect her. Fall in line with the abuser to survive. It's not surprising that some children do this. Yet courts are blind to it.
On point again!
I would love to see more training particularly for police and Magistrates on recognition of reactive abuse.
For myself what helped me to finally get out , was the realisation that he always did what he could to make me react, as soon as he could, so he could claim my reaction as the problem, especially deliberately trying to trigger me around his family. I am late diagnosed ADHD/Autistic, once my first child was diagnosed and I could see my similarities, that made me more vulnerable, I engaged in therapies and learnt some extreme self regulation techniques, which helped to stop myself from reacting. At the end of the relationship he couldn’t make me react anymore and he didn’t know how to control me, he was now the person who clearly was the aggressor. Exposed, his hostility increased as I stopped reacting. It was clear it was him all along.
Reactive abuse isn’t just in intimate relationships, it can also be applied in the workplace and other areas of life, where people find insidious ways to carry out a pattern of abuse and control of others, through deliberate trigger layering.
Brilliant points, thank you. I'm not very keen on the term reactive abuse personally, because I think it risks labelling a survivor's reactions as abusive behaviour.
I agree, I can’t remember other terms that have been used to better describe it. It is a big reason why women remain trapped being told their reaction to abuse, is abuse.
You have no idea how powerful & healing this is. 30 Years in Coercive Control-Abuse "marriage" now fighting Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer & abuser is STILL abusing me... and I'm still fighting back to survive... But he won't let me live...
I'm so sorry. This is devastating.
Please keep telling these stories - there are so many of us on death row via illness... please keep showing the world that these abusers are WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE (biologically, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually). Abusive men WILL NOT STOP AND HAVE NO MERCY, NO HUMANITY... even for their own children.
Some day we’ll write the self help book The Modern Woman’s Guide To Supermarket Encounters With The Man Who Tried To Murder You. That was my actual day today, and I know I’m not alone. But heaven forbid we make a fuss.
Sending you all my support. What an awful thing to happen. I suspect women go through this quite often 😞
I want to send this to everyone I know to describe what life has been like, and to explain why I’m silent, anxious, smaller than I was. But you’ve also reminded me that I’m a person outside of this experience, and for that I’m grateful.
Sending you all my support
This is so insightful and smart, so well explained. Your examples are right from the trenches of abuse, which most people find too hard to speak of or address directly. It’s hard to thank you enough for seeing and speaking and getting it.
Thanks so much. I really appreciate the feedback.
"She laughed at him" -- as one of the reasons someone might offer up to defend an abusive man.
I've heard this point before, I forget where, that it can be dangerous for a woman to laugh at a man. That is a truly frightening world to live in.
It's the same as "she was wearing a skirt."
Thank you so much Emma ♥️
This is incredibly important and well written, and so validating for victim-survivors.
I wish I could put this in front of and make mandatory for all my colleague family and crime magistrates. This is what we get wrong all the time: we can’t see the difference between a) two people having an argument and b) an abusive conflict where one is dominating/controlling/abusing and the other is reacting to the abuse. Different context, entirely different situations. Also, the abuser often paints themselves as the victim, and we spend as much time giving serious consideration (and precious time) to this as we do to the valid claims of domestic abuse that puts women and children at real risk of real harm.
The magistracy and the judiciary, as well as the rest of society, has so so much to learn. Keep educating us Emma. Sincerely, thank you.
Thanks so much for your kind feedback. I agree 100%
Gosh Emma, this is so articulate, thoughtful and enlightening, which, of course, all your work is and it is so good to see this all outlined and explained. The questions you raise then answer, plus describing the intentions behind the behaviours such as throwing something or name calling truly get underneath how some of us have lived. Our actions come out of desperation, theirs are for fun, their game playing. We are just trying to survive, fighting for our sanity and autonomy and from how you’ve written things here it shouldn’t be too difficult not only for the professionals around us to recognise this, but our families, friends, neighbours and colleagues too. In my experience, our standing up for ourselves can backfire, be held against us and used as an excuse to enable and collude with a perpetrator. We end up further mired in a frightening mess and even more exhausted as we are deemed partly to blame for conflict, just as you say, and it becomes even harder to escape. Thank you, as always, for highlighting and helping us understand yet another important aspect of how we remain trapped. Other people play a more massive part than I - and no doubt many others - realised. All your work can help us feel less bad about ourselves for staying and that matters. ❤️🙏
Thank you so much Anya. I'm so glad people like this post. I hope it does a lot of good. It's free, so share it far and wide.
Another brilliant article! Thank you, Dr. Katz!
Thanks so much.