If only this had been understood so clearly 10 yrs ago.
I have struggled to comprehend the scale of the damage inflicted by my children’s father both on them and on myself, and I hate that the abuse still continues to this day because none of this was taken into account by the court. He basically got told ‘well, you shouldn’t be so controlling really but at least you aren’t hitting them’, and his conduct during contact was not assessed AT ALL during visits. It’s like the courts thought that without me there there wouldn’t be a problem between him and them.
As a result he continued to treat them abusively, and was now driven by anger that the courts hadn’t punished me for failing to be how he expected, or for having the audacity to think that I could leave the relationship without his permission. Ten years later he is still trying to get the children to ‘realise they’ve been lied to’ and that he was the victim, that they’d been ‘stolen from him which they had no right to do’.
He has never for one second believed he did even one thing wrong. And the court failed utterly in getting him to see/accept the fact. They didn’t tell him he had broken the law, they just moved us all on to post separation arrangements as if the effects of what had and indeed still continued to happen weren’t relevant. Now ten years later he’s learnt exactly nothing and is still causing harm to our teenaged children.
Your work is so unbelievably needed. If he had hit me I could have made sense of it and left. But this thing he did was difficult to see and has ultimately been not accounted for. Thank you for your work on this. You will change peoples lives.
This is so encouraging! I am trying to figure out whether I can use this in my cases in Idaho; our definition of "Neglect" is considerably different. I will be revisiting that question to see if I can! (I'm an attorney where much of my case-load is domestic violence family law.)
My abusive husband is a white male with a medical degree who encouraged me to be a SAHM. He is never held accountable for anything he does to his family. Highly intelligent and extremely manipulative. I’ve been a POW for almost 40 years.
Coercion control being the absolute worst part if you do not understand what is happening until it’s too late and you are trapped. I think your work is amazing.
Which I guess is really the same concept. In my experience abuse is a learned behavior from the home environment growing up . The tactics are the same within the family.
Emesment isn't a term I use as I'm not a psychologist. So I might be the wrong person to ask. I think ultimately abusers make choices to abuse and enablers make choices to support abuse.
If only this had been understood so clearly 10 yrs ago.
I have struggled to comprehend the scale of the damage inflicted by my children’s father both on them and on myself, and I hate that the abuse still continues to this day because none of this was taken into account by the court. He basically got told ‘well, you shouldn’t be so controlling really but at least you aren’t hitting them’, and his conduct during contact was not assessed AT ALL during visits. It’s like the courts thought that without me there there wouldn’t be a problem between him and them.
As a result he continued to treat them abusively, and was now driven by anger that the courts hadn’t punished me for failing to be how he expected, or for having the audacity to think that I could leave the relationship without his permission. Ten years later he is still trying to get the children to ‘realise they’ve been lied to’ and that he was the victim, that they’d been ‘stolen from him which they had no right to do’.
He has never for one second believed he did even one thing wrong. And the court failed utterly in getting him to see/accept the fact. They didn’t tell him he had broken the law, they just moved us all on to post separation arrangements as if the effects of what had and indeed still continued to happen weren’t relevant. Now ten years later he’s learnt exactly nothing and is still causing harm to our teenaged children.
Your work is so unbelievably needed. If he had hit me I could have made sense of it and left. But this thing he did was difficult to see and has ultimately been not accounted for. Thank you for your work on this. You will change peoples lives.
This is so hopeful. I'm grateful for your research.
This is so encouraging! I am trying to figure out whether I can use this in my cases in Idaho; our definition of "Neglect" is considerably different. I will be revisiting that question to see if I can! (I'm an attorney where much of my case-load is domestic violence family law.)
My abusive husband is a white male with a medical degree who encouraged me to be a SAHM. He is never held accountable for anything he does to his family. Highly intelligent and extremely manipulative. I’ve been a POW for almost 40 years.
Those kinds of abusive husbands are extremely dangerous. I'm so sorry he's blighted your life. You are doing amazing to be surviving at all.
Coercion control being the absolute worst part if you do not understand what is happening until it’s too late and you are trapped. I think your work is amazing.
It’s a form of group bullying to achieve control. My father in law instructed my husband to get me into control.
Which I guess is really the same concept. In my experience abuse is a learned behavior from the home environment growing up . The tactics are the same within the family.
What are your thoughts on family enmeshment, primarily mother / son in regards to abusive men ?
Emesment isn't a term I use as I'm not a psychologist. So I might be the wrong person to ask. I think ultimately abusers make choices to abuse and enablers make choices to support abuse.
Has this case been finalised? are there any appeals?