I wish I could print this out and hand it to every court professional and therapist we've ever been in contact with. Maybe someday they will all understand this, but that feels so far away. Thank you for the work you're doing, Dr. Katz! You are changing the world for the better. Just seeing what I've experienced in black and white on a page is so validating and therapeutic.
Unfortunately and terrifyingly, understanding English and showing interest or curiosity about science based research articles are not making any difference in the legal system in the English speaking legal systems.
As is often the case Emma, I was reduced to tears reading your work. The recognition of the reality is rare and heartening. Your use of words like ‘warped’ and ‘distorted’ are so accurate and problems like these are endemic. Our courts are backlogged and the Child Maintenance Service is rammed, all of which is funded by the tax payer just to pick up the pieces of these power crazy, sick individuals who should have their Parental Rights automatically removed when the first evidence of abuse rears its ugly head. Non- payment of maintenance is a classic and evidence enough. I know I bang on about it but it is the truth! This means they are willing to neglect the core needs of their / our kids and the mothers’ welfare are also compromised picking up the financial slack. I don’t understand why the UN Convention on The Rights of the Children - as explained your brilliant book - is not brought into play to protect our children from the neglect, exploitation and abuse as you have so expertly outlined. Thank you, again, for seeing us. It helps.
I paid for a subscription so I could comment on this article. First of all, thank you for sharing it for free. I wouldn’t have seen it otherwise.
I have been reading this article over and over as I try to absorb the truth of it. It was very hard for me to accept that my ex-husband’s behavior was intentionally abusive, and it is difficult to believe that his parenting is also. I was a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom of 6, married nearly 32 years. It took me a long time to realize that my ex was abusive, and even longer to finally divorce him. He was faithful, frugal, a good provider, and maintained the home, car, and yard. I thought that he was also a good father. He taught our kids’ Sunday School and Awana classes, coached their YMCA sports, played with them, and read to them every night.
Now I am struggling with the realization that though he was an involved father, he was not a GOOD father.
Every point you made applied to my ex-husband:
His primary goal was to control me and our family and to punish us for perceived disobedience, not to advance our well-being
He spent a huge amount of energy over a long period of time harming me, attacking me in multiple ways – including psychologically attacking me, weakening my economic position, socially isolating me, and seriously undermining my health.
He included some “good times” of “fun” and “affection”. “Good times” gave false hope that things were not so bad, and thereby reducing my motivation to escape. “Good times” gave the false impression that he was a good guy.
He was teaching them that the person who bullies and intimidates others is the person who “wins” and holds power. He was teaching them to always try to get on the good side of people who are behaving badly, rather than standing up to them or walking away from them. He was teaching them to ignore their instincts and push down their sense of fear or unease. He was teaching them that my needs and their own needs were irrelevant and that neither they nor I should ever put ourselves first.
He didn’t show any genuine remorse for times when he traumatized the children.
He seemed to enjoy spending time with his children, but only when they did his bidding without question. He wanted to turn his children into the kind of people he thought they should be, rather than supporting them to develop into the kind of people who they really were.
He wanted to be the only one with power in the family. Loving relationships between other family members are powerful things, and he saw them as a threat.
He wouldn't let them assert independence because he couldn’t cope with being challenged by those he thought he’s entitled to control. He couldn’t model healthy conflict resolution because “winning” a conflict was more important to him than anything. He couldn’t model healthy boundary setting because he saw it as his right to push and steamroller over peoples’ boundaries. He frequently made them feel helpless, powerless and unheard. He couldn’t teach responsibility and accountability, because his own ideas about responsibility and accountability were so badly warped. He frequently blamed other people for things that he was actually responsible for, and placed burdens of responsibility on people that weren’t theirs to bear.
He impoverished the children by impoverishing me. He stopped me from working; he gave me a tiny allowance, he dragged out the divorce.
It was his abusive behavior which caused me to have to try to escape him several times, and which ultimately led to divorce. This caused upheaval in the children’s lives that he was responsible for. I had to flee and take the children with me, and the children suddenly lost all their familiar surroundings and routines and had to cope in a new, challenging environment.
He lied about and denied the abuse.
I was already aware that his abusive behavior had robbed me of time and energy, leaving me depleted of resources to care for our children. I knew that I had been complicit in his abuse by covering his bad behavior, making excuses for his behavior to our children, and encouraging them to be quiet, well-behaved, and respectful so as not to incur his anger. I also knew that I sometimes took out my anger and pain with my ex on our children. But I blamed myself because I had chosen my reactions and to stay in the marriage.
Thank you for clearly stating that the consequences of my ex-husband’s abuse on our children was his responsibility. He “pushed (me) into a position of powerlessness and severely limited options. (I) had to calculate every decision… from this extremely tough, restricted position.”
Emily I really want to reach out and hug you. Your realisation that all these things applied in your situation must be very tough to process. It's not surprising that you didn't hear this information on abusive men being bad fathers from people before, because it's not common knowledge at all. If you read Liberating Motherhood on Substack, which I highly recommend, the author Zawn reminds us that women are endlessly groomed by society to blame themselves and to see abusive husbands' behaviour in a more positive light than it deserves. We are all affected by this, so please never blame yourself for this. Sending you much support. If you haven't yet read my post from about a year ago, I'd recommend reading it :) https://dremmakatz.substack.com/p/why-domestic-violence-and-abuse-victims
Thank you for your response. I already subscribe to Liberating Motherhood. I may have heard about you through Zawn. I read the article you linked and it is very affirming. It is easy to beat myself up for staying so long in the marriage and it is difficult to turn off my ex's words in my head. But the more I read articles such as yours, the more I see the control and manipulation my ex used to keep me in the abuse.
dear Emily Marie, I just want to let you know you are not alone in your experience. You so eloquently capture the confusion when their behaviour is so nuanced. And society on the whole reinforces their entitled expectations. Thanks for sharing.
I am open to connect. I was married for 14 years and narrowly escaped your situation. many parts of our story are similar. Autonomy is a gift we have given ourselves and our children.
I'm really struggling with this since my belief that my ex was a good father was a huge reason why I stayed in the marriage for so long. I wish had heard this information years ago.
It has take a while for these ideas to be articulated. The bar was set so low after the battered women’s movement. Have you looked up the term moral injury? It might be helpful.
Very clear and concise. The creativity that goes into coercive control is so much energy, that the mother must remind herself that none of it is her fault. The panic one feels from this ongoing threat has to be calmed again and again. The children as well are living in a situation of constant self-soothing with the one person who helped them learn to self soothe, denied from them. This in itself is a biological connection severed by the coercively controlling father. The DNA of the mitochondria of the cell is inherited only from the mother. The mitochondria controls balance, equalibrium. I believe that the work the aggresor puts into the offence is so serious that public education is necessary.
One last point: the controller needs affirmation of his control so much that he will take jobs with those he has used to economically abuse.
Do you have a resource list for this? The single most healing thing in this article was what you wrote about husband's treating victum-survivor mothers badly, teaching my son that therefore I am bad and deserve blame, hate and contempt. I really could not connect those dots for myself. Thank you for what you do. 💙
This article of mine from 2023 covers similar ground but is more detailed and refers to lots of research studies: https://dremmakatz.substack.com/p/the-myth-that-coercive-and-controlling Look especially at the section 'Myth 4: A parent who commits violence and abuse against their child’s other parent is capable of parenting in adequate ways.' You'll find this section towards the end of the article.
You have described the nightmare that my children and I have been living through for the past 5 years. It has made me cry with relief that it is real, that I’m not imagining it. But what can I do about it? How do we make it stop?
Thank you for writing. I've had my subscription for nearly a year, and every post has been helpful. This post however, was so helpful and validating. The timing is perfect. I have been stuck in litigation for over 10 years.
This last April, I went through mediation with the abuser for the 5th time. It was the first time that I was in the same zoom room with him during mediation. I thought I had done enough work in therapy to tolerate this interaction. From reading through the correspondence over the last 11 years, it was clear that he litigated because I refused to have verbal conversations with him. One of the boundaries that kept me emotionally and legally safe was communicating 100% in writing. So, I knew that in order to get the outcome that the children desired, I would need to verbally communicate with him in mediation. I knew that I was availing myself to abuse by participating in that mediation face to face with the abuser. I steeled myself for the interaction. I radically accepted the system as it is. My toolbox was full and my mind was prepared.
However, my sympathetic nervous system was not ready. From the moment that I entered the Zoom room, my body began acting as is if it was being chased by a tiger. By some miracle, I made it through mediation and obtained the desired outcome. The preparation worked and the mediation only lasted about an hour, maybe even less. However, my body felt as though it was being chased by a tiger for about a week afterward. It caused major changes and side effects in my life for about 2 weeks.
The world around us does not take such trauma into account, and would not even count a conversation held within the safety of a web application, when the abuser was located in a different state, trauma. I certainly could not take 2 weeks off of work for recovery. I held so much kindness for myself. My therapist held so much kindness for me. I was still having trouble understanding why my body had such a strong, drawn out reaction. This article told me why. I have been through a decade of liberties being robbed, infringed upon, a decade of fiercely protecting my children's choices, autonomy, and safety, a decade of working to create my own because I didn't know what it looked like. Facing the person who continues to attack our freedom within the system that almost encourages him to do so is traumatic. So traumatic in fact, that my body responded appropriately to the tiger.
Thank you again. This article helped me find perspective after another traumatic event.
Keep doing this work. The more we see this, the more we grow. This is a new field. Women have only had the choice to leave in the US since 1970, and not even fully until 1974 when financial and housing laws were passed. You are a trailblazer in a new field of study. Thank you!
After about six years of similar history I went down to the basement where the court records are kept, and my eye turned pink. I just couldn't stay down there. My body reacted to the energy.
Instead, I asked someone, who has now done the research, when necessary for me. She drove 400 kilometers to serve for me in a recent case. I also have been in this traumatic energy for almost a decade. My son pointed this out recently.
They also have trauma, have been forced to identify with the agressor through repeated bondage (I can think of no other term, except perhaps 'like taken hostages' which is from Gruev-Vintila's book, 2023)
the more I find the right person to discuss this with, the more comes out, and the safer I feel. But it is also not safe to open everything up -- there are times that the children's safety mean I must wait. Thank you for your telling about the tiger.
Very well said. Eerily familiar and applies broadly. Thank you so much for your work. I think I can use these to better explain problems to judges. (I'm an attorney, helping survivors of abuse/coercive control with their family law needs.)
Another extremely valuable piece Dr Katz, thank you. As someone who has had their ADHD (or are they C PTSD?) behaviours weaponised against me, I think intersectionality is important, which is why I make the following comment. When you write "He may deny his children's neurodiversity . . " I think it would be more accurate in terms of your intent to say, "his children's neurodivergence". We all commonly use 'neurodiverse' and 'neurodivergent' interchangeably but there is a difference. Neurodiversity refers to the spectrum of difference between all of our minds, individuals can only be neurodivergent. I have Sonny Jane Wise to thank for clarifying the distinction for me in their book "We're all neurodiverse".
Thank you for breaking it down like this. Having been stuck in the UK family court system for 4 years, going round and round in circles with professionals accusing me of being the abusive one and alienating our child from him, it helps enormously to see this.
I'm at risk of losing custody of my child because he's convinced professionals I'm alienating them, yet there's no evidence of this. I've read your book and know the dangerous ground we are now on. Our child has reported emotional, psychological and physical abuse 4 times and refused to see him 4 times, and this is blamed on me. In 4 years, there's never been a fact find and not one witness has ever been spoken to.
I've gone from being a 3rd year PhD researcher on the language and tactics used to control and subvert reality by politicians and abusers, to living with chronic long term health problems, unable to work, and having to home educate our child because he convinced everyone they weren't autistic and I was making up their needs. This meant their school didn't take their needs seriously until it was too late for them to attend at all. He blames that on me too. Meanwhile, I'm home educating while also trying to find our way through this system.
I'm expected to show contrition and follow contact plans, and have had my mental and physical health picked apart in court looking for reasons to support my abuser's narrative. When our child refuses to see him because he's been denigrating me and pressuring them to live with him again, or saying I'm a bad parent, or telling them all women lie and remember things wrong, or because he's held them down, or because he's humiliated them for autistic behaviours, it's my fault in the eyes of professionals.
It's a living hell. Every day I wake up distressed, fearful of my child being put in care, having had nightmares (if I even managed to fall asleep) of my abuser and the judge, and it makes me feel like I can't take much more of this. And then I do take it, again and again, at clear detriment to my health, which is now another weakness he can exploit. He tells our child when I die, they'll have no choice but to live with him.
I've reported numerous very obviously abusive incidents that support the truth I've been telling professionals throughout, our child has reported abuse to school staff, social workers and the police, and they go and ask him if it's true. He denies it, deflects onto me, and they believe him every time. They're predominantly women.
It seems there needs to be more research into how female professionals are also exploited by coercively controlling men in this way. Those who parrot the statements you've focused on here are victims too, in their professional work, especially if they have to deal with someone capable of high levels of manipulation. They are exploited because they're female or empathic, enabling those who engage in these behaviours to co-opt their sympathy. Sympathy they've spent a lifetime perfecting how to extract from what they see as "the weaker sex".
It's been soul destroying to live through this, to see our child struggle so much in school, to not be able to get them the right support for their autistic needs, and to have to force them to attend contact when they're in obvious distress before and after because that's what the court has decided should happen. It's left our child suicidal. We can't begin to heal because we're being forced to comply with orders that perpetuate the trauma and abuse.
The family court process feels worse than the relationship itself because you can't leave. There is a person in a position of power over you, being advised by professionals who may have been manipulated, making decisions that can't be challenged. There's no escape, no refuge, no support for this. When I read of mothers dying during this process I'm not surprised. The stress and impact on your mental and phsyical health is profound and I now have a heart condition from the chronic re-triggering of PTSD.
I don't know how we change this but I know this system isn't working for victims of abuse. It doesn't feel remotely safe. But apparently, according to one of my publicly funded barristers, this is "just how it is".
Daughter, but they're genderless. Perhaps a son would've been even worse because my abuser would now be trying to form that poor child into a mini misogynist in his own image. He tried it with my older sons when he was their step parent, but thankfully they are now two of the strongest female advocates and feminists I know. They saw the alternative, and what kind of a human being hatred, fear and controlling others makes you.
I just wasn't reading with enough attention because of my headache. I'm currently lying on the sofa in a lot of pain with it. But I got the gist of how horrifically badly you are being treated 😤☹️
It makes me sad that I'm not alone in this. I'm in a Facebook group where not being believed is the main problem for mothers in the family court system. Parent blame is systemic across all services. And for the love of God, don't dare try and point out mistakes or complain, because they will come at you.
I too wish I could share this article with everyone, particularly people that work in some way with the father of my children. Almost everything you have written here has been our experience of the children’s father, in some way or another. In particular I want to also highlight, when the perpetrator is in a leadership position and weaponises all that comes with this as a cover, exploiting vulnerable people in corporate box ticking leadership awareness/inclusivity training, it is very dangerous to give so much information and power, without vetting these people psychologically.
I am aware Dr Katz will be speaking at a conference in my city at the end of October & hopeful to attend, but absolutely more hopeful that all people working within family court, and all other related key services will attend.
The description in this and so much of this work is so accurate it's almost unbelievable. it points and shows a really good understanding of the issues at hand, the suffering and the tactics employed by physical and emotional abusers and the impact on the child.
What is mist scary and heart wrenching is that whilst it is women that find themselves at the receiving end of this treatment and abuse - Emma has another excellent article presenting these statistics in an undeniable manner - the same techniques are used against parents and children in families of any gender pairing. With the same results, the children suffer.
Totally understand the emphasis on men here, however, when read in gender neutral language, Emma's work applies to 100% of abusers and victim survivors of any gender anywhere - UK, brazil, France, Spain, China, Japan.
These are insights that apply well beyond the stereotypical father/man Mother/woman majority.
Work worth sharing far and wide.
it applies to all victims, and abusers of all genders.
Thank you for your kind feedback. I agree a lot of what I write about applies whatever the sex and gender of the perpetrator and victim-survivor.
I think there are some specific experiences that female victims-survivors have, because we live in a world where, according to a recent UN study 9 out of 10 of all people on the planet hold sexist biases against women. That impacts things.
Thankfully the work that you and others are doing is forging a much improved level of awareness on the biases against women, but the strict focus on men as the (only possible abuser) - for those who have not seen the great stas your work is framed against - leaves even more vulnerable (male and female) victims unable to to gain the support this work provides.
The cases I refer to are those parenting in same gender households and a few men (that 1 in 20) who are victims of this systematic insidious abusive behaviour. These are groups that have issues with or are unable to identify as 'she/woman', or as a 'he/victim' and who are settling with a whole other set of societal preconceptions, biases and expectation, recognise the parrterns described here but are then unable to leverage these studies to raise awareness of their situation to experts and judges they are intea
interestedacting with.
its easier in declared women women relationships as there is the base question that is abuse is happening, it would be one or the other. But still need to cut through the DARVOS.
The others seem to have no hope.
This might be project part 2- enable all victims to be able to have the studies and leverage support for the truth. x
I wish I could print this out and hand it to every court professional and therapist we've ever been in contact with. Maybe someday they will all understand this, but that feels so far away. Thank you for the work you're doing, Dr. Katz! You are changing the world for the better. Just seeing what I've experienced in black and white on a page is so validating and therapeutic.
Me too. Unfortunately, Spanish judges refuse to read scientifical articles and moreover most of them can't understand English.
Unfortunately and terrifyingly, understanding English and showing interest or curiosity about science based research articles are not making any difference in the legal system in the English speaking legal systems.
As is often the case Emma, I was reduced to tears reading your work. The recognition of the reality is rare and heartening. Your use of words like ‘warped’ and ‘distorted’ are so accurate and problems like these are endemic. Our courts are backlogged and the Child Maintenance Service is rammed, all of which is funded by the tax payer just to pick up the pieces of these power crazy, sick individuals who should have their Parental Rights automatically removed when the first evidence of abuse rears its ugly head. Non- payment of maintenance is a classic and evidence enough. I know I bang on about it but it is the truth! This means they are willing to neglect the core needs of their / our kids and the mothers’ welfare are also compromised picking up the financial slack. I don’t understand why the UN Convention on The Rights of the Children - as explained your brilliant book - is not brought into play to protect our children from the neglect, exploitation and abuse as you have so expertly outlined. Thank you, again, for seeing us. It helps.
I paid for a subscription so I could comment on this article. First of all, thank you for sharing it for free. I wouldn’t have seen it otherwise.
I have been reading this article over and over as I try to absorb the truth of it. It was very hard for me to accept that my ex-husband’s behavior was intentionally abusive, and it is difficult to believe that his parenting is also. I was a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom of 6, married nearly 32 years. It took me a long time to realize that my ex was abusive, and even longer to finally divorce him. He was faithful, frugal, a good provider, and maintained the home, car, and yard. I thought that he was also a good father. He taught our kids’ Sunday School and Awana classes, coached their YMCA sports, played with them, and read to them every night.
Now I am struggling with the realization that though he was an involved father, he was not a GOOD father.
Every point you made applied to my ex-husband:
His primary goal was to control me and our family and to punish us for perceived disobedience, not to advance our well-being
He spent a huge amount of energy over a long period of time harming me, attacking me in multiple ways – including psychologically attacking me, weakening my economic position, socially isolating me, and seriously undermining my health.
He included some “good times” of “fun” and “affection”. “Good times” gave false hope that things were not so bad, and thereby reducing my motivation to escape. “Good times” gave the false impression that he was a good guy.
He was teaching them that the person who bullies and intimidates others is the person who “wins” and holds power. He was teaching them to always try to get on the good side of people who are behaving badly, rather than standing up to them or walking away from them. He was teaching them to ignore their instincts and push down their sense of fear or unease. He was teaching them that my needs and their own needs were irrelevant and that neither they nor I should ever put ourselves first.
He didn’t show any genuine remorse for times when he traumatized the children.
He seemed to enjoy spending time with his children, but only when they did his bidding without question. He wanted to turn his children into the kind of people he thought they should be, rather than supporting them to develop into the kind of people who they really were.
He wanted to be the only one with power in the family. Loving relationships between other family members are powerful things, and he saw them as a threat.
He wouldn't let them assert independence because he couldn’t cope with being challenged by those he thought he’s entitled to control. He couldn’t model healthy conflict resolution because “winning” a conflict was more important to him than anything. He couldn’t model healthy boundary setting because he saw it as his right to push and steamroller over peoples’ boundaries. He frequently made them feel helpless, powerless and unheard. He couldn’t teach responsibility and accountability, because his own ideas about responsibility and accountability were so badly warped. He frequently blamed other people for things that he was actually responsible for, and placed burdens of responsibility on people that weren’t theirs to bear.
He impoverished the children by impoverishing me. He stopped me from working; he gave me a tiny allowance, he dragged out the divorce.
It was his abusive behavior which caused me to have to try to escape him several times, and which ultimately led to divorce. This caused upheaval in the children’s lives that he was responsible for. I had to flee and take the children with me, and the children suddenly lost all their familiar surroundings and routines and had to cope in a new, challenging environment.
He lied about and denied the abuse.
I was already aware that his abusive behavior had robbed me of time and energy, leaving me depleted of resources to care for our children. I knew that I had been complicit in his abuse by covering his bad behavior, making excuses for his behavior to our children, and encouraging them to be quiet, well-behaved, and respectful so as not to incur his anger. I also knew that I sometimes took out my anger and pain with my ex on our children. But I blamed myself because I had chosen my reactions and to stay in the marriage.
Thank you for clearly stating that the consequences of my ex-husband’s abuse on our children was his responsibility. He “pushed (me) into a position of powerlessness and severely limited options. (I) had to calculate every decision… from this extremely tough, restricted position.”
Emily I really want to reach out and hug you. Your realisation that all these things applied in your situation must be very tough to process. It's not surprising that you didn't hear this information on abusive men being bad fathers from people before, because it's not common knowledge at all. If you read Liberating Motherhood on Substack, which I highly recommend, the author Zawn reminds us that women are endlessly groomed by society to blame themselves and to see abusive husbands' behaviour in a more positive light than it deserves. We are all affected by this, so please never blame yourself for this. Sending you much support. If you haven't yet read my post from about a year ago, I'd recommend reading it :) https://dremmakatz.substack.com/p/why-domestic-violence-and-abuse-victims
Thank you for your response. I already subscribe to Liberating Motherhood. I may have heard about you through Zawn. I read the article you linked and it is very affirming. It is easy to beat myself up for staying so long in the marriage and it is difficult to turn off my ex's words in my head. But the more I read articles such as yours, the more I see the control and manipulation my ex used to keep me in the abuse.
dear Emily Marie, I just want to let you know you are not alone in your experience. You so eloquently capture the confusion when their behaviour is so nuanced. And society on the whole reinforces their entitled expectations. Thanks for sharing.
I am open to connect. I was married for 14 years and narrowly escaped your situation. many parts of our story are similar. Autonomy is a gift we have given ourselves and our children.
I'm really struggling with this since my belief that my ex was a good father was a huge reason why I stayed in the marriage for so long. I wish had heard this information years ago.
It has take a while for these ideas to be articulated. The bar was set so low after the battered women’s movement. Have you looked up the term moral injury? It might be helpful.
Very clear and concise. The creativity that goes into coercive control is so much energy, that the mother must remind herself that none of it is her fault. The panic one feels from this ongoing threat has to be calmed again and again. The children as well are living in a situation of constant self-soothing with the one person who helped them learn to self soothe, denied from them. This in itself is a biological connection severed by the coercively controlling father. The DNA of the mitochondria of the cell is inherited only from the mother. The mitochondria controls balance, equalibrium. I believe that the work the aggresor puts into the offence is so serious that public education is necessary.
One last point: the controller needs affirmation of his control so much that he will take jobs with those he has used to economically abuse.
Your statement, "the panic one feels from this ongoing threat has to be calmed again and again," is so true!
don't I know it!
Do you have a resource list for this? The single most healing thing in this article was what you wrote about husband's treating victum-survivor mothers badly, teaching my son that therefore I am bad and deserve blame, hate and contempt. I really could not connect those dots for myself. Thank you for what you do. 💙
Dear Michelle, what sort of resources do you have in mind? I'm so glad the article helped you. Sending you much support.
Thank you! I am referring to your resources for this article. 🫶
This article of mine from 2023 covers similar ground but is more detailed and refers to lots of research studies: https://dremmakatz.substack.com/p/the-myth-that-coercive-and-controlling Look especially at the section 'Myth 4: A parent who commits violence and abuse against their child’s other parent is capable of parenting in adequate ways.' You'll find this section towards the end of the article.
Thank you so much. So grateful for your work! M.
Thank you for all you do!
Keep up the good work. I find 100 percent validation in your articles and your book.
You have described the nightmare that my children and I have been living through for the past 5 years. It has made me cry with relief that it is real, that I’m not imagining it. But what can I do about it? How do we make it stop?
Dear Dr. Emma Katz,
Thank you for writing. I've had my subscription for nearly a year, and every post has been helpful. This post however, was so helpful and validating. The timing is perfect. I have been stuck in litigation for over 10 years.
This last April, I went through mediation with the abuser for the 5th time. It was the first time that I was in the same zoom room with him during mediation. I thought I had done enough work in therapy to tolerate this interaction. From reading through the correspondence over the last 11 years, it was clear that he litigated because I refused to have verbal conversations with him. One of the boundaries that kept me emotionally and legally safe was communicating 100% in writing. So, I knew that in order to get the outcome that the children desired, I would need to verbally communicate with him in mediation. I knew that I was availing myself to abuse by participating in that mediation face to face with the abuser. I steeled myself for the interaction. I radically accepted the system as it is. My toolbox was full and my mind was prepared.
However, my sympathetic nervous system was not ready. From the moment that I entered the Zoom room, my body began acting as is if it was being chased by a tiger. By some miracle, I made it through mediation and obtained the desired outcome. The preparation worked and the mediation only lasted about an hour, maybe even less. However, my body felt as though it was being chased by a tiger for about a week afterward. It caused major changes and side effects in my life for about 2 weeks.
The world around us does not take such trauma into account, and would not even count a conversation held within the safety of a web application, when the abuser was located in a different state, trauma. I certainly could not take 2 weeks off of work for recovery. I held so much kindness for myself. My therapist held so much kindness for me. I was still having trouble understanding why my body had such a strong, drawn out reaction. This article told me why. I have been through a decade of liberties being robbed, infringed upon, a decade of fiercely protecting my children's choices, autonomy, and safety, a decade of working to create my own because I didn't know what it looked like. Facing the person who continues to attack our freedom within the system that almost encourages him to do so is traumatic. So traumatic in fact, that my body responded appropriately to the tiger.
Thank you again. This article helped me find perspective after another traumatic event.
Keep doing this work. The more we see this, the more we grow. This is a new field. Women have only had the choice to leave in the US since 1970, and not even fully until 1974 when financial and housing laws were passed. You are a trailblazer in a new field of study. Thank you!
I'm so glad my article helped you make sense of this. Sending you all my very best wishes Jennifer.
After about six years of similar history I went down to the basement where the court records are kept, and my eye turned pink. I just couldn't stay down there. My body reacted to the energy.
Instead, I asked someone, who has now done the research, when necessary for me. She drove 400 kilometers to serve for me in a recent case. I also have been in this traumatic energy for almost a decade. My son pointed this out recently.
They also have trauma, have been forced to identify with the agressor through repeated bondage (I can think of no other term, except perhaps 'like taken hostages' which is from Gruev-Vintila's book, 2023)
the more I find the right person to discuss this with, the more comes out, and the safer I feel. But it is also not safe to open everything up -- there are times that the children's safety mean I must wait. Thank you for your telling about the tiger.
Sending you my support Kelly.
thank you
It is such a nuanced situation. Thank you for sharing. I hope that you and your children are able to thrive.
thank you
I highly recommend this article and if you are involved in family court it is a must read for your attorney and any therapists involved.
Very well said. Eerily familiar and applies broadly. Thank you so much for your work. I think I can use these to better explain problems to judges. (I'm an attorney, helping survivors of abuse/coercive control with their family law needs.)
I'm so glad this will be useful in your work.
Another extremely valuable piece Dr Katz, thank you. As someone who has had their ADHD (or are they C PTSD?) behaviours weaponised against me, I think intersectionality is important, which is why I make the following comment. When you write "He may deny his children's neurodiversity . . " I think it would be more accurate in terms of your intent to say, "his children's neurodivergence". We all commonly use 'neurodiverse' and 'neurodivergent' interchangeably but there is a difference. Neurodiversity refers to the spectrum of difference between all of our minds, individuals can only be neurodivergent. I have Sonny Jane Wise to thank for clarifying the distinction for me in their book "We're all neurodiverse".
Thank you so much Jane for letting me know about this. I really appreciate it. I've updated the article.
Thank you for breaking it down like this. Having been stuck in the UK family court system for 4 years, going round and round in circles with professionals accusing me of being the abusive one and alienating our child from him, it helps enormously to see this.
I'm at risk of losing custody of my child because he's convinced professionals I'm alienating them, yet there's no evidence of this. I've read your book and know the dangerous ground we are now on. Our child has reported emotional, psychological and physical abuse 4 times and refused to see him 4 times, and this is blamed on me. In 4 years, there's never been a fact find and not one witness has ever been spoken to.
I've gone from being a 3rd year PhD researcher on the language and tactics used to control and subvert reality by politicians and abusers, to living with chronic long term health problems, unable to work, and having to home educate our child because he convinced everyone they weren't autistic and I was making up their needs. This meant their school didn't take their needs seriously until it was too late for them to attend at all. He blames that on me too. Meanwhile, I'm home educating while also trying to find our way through this system.
I'm expected to show contrition and follow contact plans, and have had my mental and physical health picked apart in court looking for reasons to support my abuser's narrative. When our child refuses to see him because he's been denigrating me and pressuring them to live with him again, or saying I'm a bad parent, or telling them all women lie and remember things wrong, or because he's held them down, or because he's humiliated them for autistic behaviours, it's my fault in the eyes of professionals.
It's a living hell. Every day I wake up distressed, fearful of my child being put in care, having had nightmares (if I even managed to fall asleep) of my abuser and the judge, and it makes me feel like I can't take much more of this. And then I do take it, again and again, at clear detriment to my health, which is now another weakness he can exploit. He tells our child when I die, they'll have no choice but to live with him.
I've reported numerous very obviously abusive incidents that support the truth I've been telling professionals throughout, our child has reported abuse to school staff, social workers and the police, and they go and ask him if it's true. He denies it, deflects onto me, and they believe him every time. They're predominantly women.
It seems there needs to be more research into how female professionals are also exploited by coercively controlling men in this way. Those who parrot the statements you've focused on here are victims too, in their professional work, especially if they have to deal with someone capable of high levels of manipulation. They are exploited because they're female or empathic, enabling those who engage in these behaviours to co-opt their sympathy. Sympathy they've spent a lifetime perfecting how to extract from what they see as "the weaker sex".
It's been soul destroying to live through this, to see our child struggle so much in school, to not be able to get them the right support for their autistic needs, and to have to force them to attend contact when they're in obvious distress before and after because that's what the court has decided should happen. It's left our child suicidal. We can't begin to heal because we're being forced to comply with orders that perpetuate the trauma and abuse.
The family court process feels worse than the relationship itself because you can't leave. There is a person in a position of power over you, being advised by professionals who may have been manipulated, making decisions that can't be challenged. There's no escape, no refuge, no support for this. When I read of mothers dying during this process I'm not surprised. The stress and impact on your mental and phsyical health is profound and I now have a heart condition from the chronic re-triggering of PTSD.
I don't know how we change this but I know this system isn't working for victims of abuse. It doesn't feel remotely safe. But apparently, according to one of my publicly funded barristers, this is "just how it is".
I'm so upset and angry you and your son are being subjected to this.
Daughter, but they're genderless. Perhaps a son would've been even worse because my abuser would now be trying to form that poor child into a mini misogynist in his own image. He tried it with my older sons when he was their step parent, but thankfully they are now two of the strongest female advocates and feminists I know. They saw the alternative, and what kind of a human being hatred, fear and controlling others makes you.
I'm really sorry to have read your first comment wrong. I've got a nasty headache today. That's great that your sons took the positive cause they did.
Please don't apologise. I'm making mistakes (but learning) daily from my child's identity.
I just wasn't reading with enough attention because of my headache. I'm currently lying on the sofa in a lot of pain with it. But I got the gist of how horrifically badly you are being treated 😤☹️
It makes me sad that I'm not alone in this. I'm in a Facebook group where not being believed is the main problem for mothers in the family court system. Parent blame is systemic across all services. And for the love of God, don't dare try and point out mistakes or complain, because they will come at you.
I too wish I could share this article with everyone, particularly people that work in some way with the father of my children. Almost everything you have written here has been our experience of the children’s father, in some way or another. In particular I want to also highlight, when the perpetrator is in a leadership position and weaponises all that comes with this as a cover, exploiting vulnerable people in corporate box ticking leadership awareness/inclusivity training, it is very dangerous to give so much information and power, without vetting these people psychologically.
I am aware Dr Katz will be speaking at a conference in my city at the end of October & hopeful to attend, but absolutely more hopeful that all people working within family court, and all other related key services will attend.
The description in this and so much of this work is so accurate it's almost unbelievable. it points and shows a really good understanding of the issues at hand, the suffering and the tactics employed by physical and emotional abusers and the impact on the child.
What is mist scary and heart wrenching is that whilst it is women that find themselves at the receiving end of this treatment and abuse - Emma has another excellent article presenting these statistics in an undeniable manner - the same techniques are used against parents and children in families of any gender pairing. With the same results, the children suffer.
Totally understand the emphasis on men here, however, when read in gender neutral language, Emma's work applies to 100% of abusers and victim survivors of any gender anywhere - UK, brazil, France, Spain, China, Japan.
These are insights that apply well beyond the stereotypical father/man Mother/woman majority.
Work worth sharing far and wide.
it applies to all victims, and abusers of all genders.
Thank you for your kind feedback. I agree a lot of what I write about applies whatever the sex and gender of the perpetrator and victim-survivor.
I think there are some specific experiences that female victims-survivors have, because we live in a world where, according to a recent UN study 9 out of 10 of all people on the planet hold sexist biases against women. That impacts things.
Thanks again for commenting.
Thankfully the work that you and others are doing is forging a much improved level of awareness on the biases against women, but the strict focus on men as the (only possible abuser) - for those who have not seen the great stas your work is framed against - leaves even more vulnerable (male and female) victims unable to to gain the support this work provides.
The cases I refer to are those parenting in same gender households and a few men (that 1 in 20) who are victims of this systematic insidious abusive behaviour. These are groups that have issues with or are unable to identify as 'she/woman', or as a 'he/victim' and who are settling with a whole other set of societal preconceptions, biases and expectation, recognise the parrterns described here but are then unable to leverage these studies to raise awareness of their situation to experts and judges they are intea
interestedacting with.
its easier in declared women women relationships as there is the base question that is abuse is happening, it would be one or the other. But still need to cut through the DARVOS.
The others seem to have no hope.
This might be project part 2- enable all victims to be able to have the studies and leverage support for the truth. x