Explaining Coercive Control to People Who Don't Quite Get It: A Series

Part 1: Busting the Myth That Incidents of Physical Violence Are the Most Important Aspect of Domestic Violence and Abuse

Welcome

This is the first in a 3-part series of posts that explain:

• why the common responses that people have to victims-survivors and to perpetrators are often based on misunderstandings; and

• how these misunderstandings can be really harmful and hurtful for victims-survivors (and helpful and emboldening for perpetrators).

Please find links to the other posts in the series below:

• For part 2, click here

• For part 3, click here

It is my hope that readers might be able to show this to someone in their life who doesn’t quite understand coercive control, and that it might be eye opening for people who previously haven’t read much around this subject but who are willing to learn about it now.

It is also my hope that victims-survivors who’ve been on the receiving end of harmful or hurtful responses will feel validated by what they are about to read in these pieces.

Who am I?

Before we get started, let me explain why I’m qualified to write about coercive control.

• I have spent nearly 15 years researching the subject, and in in partnership with Oxford University Press was delighted in 2022 to produce the world-leading book Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives;

• This followed many specialist academic papers which were well-received by victims-survivors and by organisations in the domestic violence and abuse sector and beyond.

So, having deep-dived into the subject and achieved success as a specialist researcher in this area, I am able to provide important myth-busting knowledge on coercive control, and set out some of the major keys to how coercive control can best be understood.

So let’s make a start.

Please be aware that the following contains descriptions of abuse that may be distressing. So:

• Do take care of yourself when reading, and stop reading or take a break as needed;

• Reach out for support if needed. Most countries have a domestic abuse helpline number that people can call, and a quick internet search will bring up the number;

• Sometimes, too, our own informal communities both online or offline can offer a space for supportive conversations.

Myth 1: When it comes to domestic violence and abuse, the incidents of physical violence are the most important thing

Survivors often get told many hurtful and harmful things based on this myth, for example:

• ‘they didn’t hit you very much or cause major injuries so the abuse wasn’t that bad’;

• ‘they haven’t hit you for quite a long time, so the abuse is over’;

• ‘they never hit you so there was no abuse’;

• ‘Because you weren’t subjected to severe, frequent violence, you weren’t justified in complaining about the abuse or fighting back physically or verbally against your abuser’;

• ‘we can’t help you with the stalking, economic abuse, or the weaponization of your children. Come back if they hit you, then we’ll do something’.

The reality

Coercive control is a highly serious, damaging, potentially life-destroying form of abuse in its own right. Some coercive controllers are very physically violent, perhaps causing injuries that might require hospitalisation. Others are violent at a lower level; for example, their violence takes the form of slapping, pushing, shoving and hair pulling. Meanwhile, some are not physically violent at all.

Does this mean the less violent ones are less harmful? No. Coercive control perpetrators’ tactics vary based on their resources and personalities, and they tailor their approach to their abuse based on what they think will work best. Sinister, isn’t it? The coercive control perpetrator’s ultimate goal is to completely subordinate and subjugate the victim-survivor. So if they judge that being highly controlling and very violent is the best way to completely subordinate and subjugate the victim-survivor, this is what they’ll do. If they judge that it is best to be highly controlling but not violent at all, then that is what they’ll do.

Remember, being violent carries risks for the perpetrator: It is a very obvious act of abuse that they might be punished for. So if a perpetrator can achieve their goal of completely subordinating and subjugating the victim-survivor without using much, or any, physical violence, that is often what they will do. Some perpetrators are more skillful and clever than others at strategizing and carrying out their plans. Sometimes the least violent ones are the most successful at meeting their abhorrent goal of subjugating and subordinating the victim-survivor.

As will also be explored in future blogs in this series, the perpetrator usually continues to pursue this abhorrent goal post-separation, while also often adding a new goal: punishing the victim-survivor as comprehensively as possible for daring to break away from them.

Understanding coercive control

So what exactly is coercive control? It’s time to go into depth about

• how to define coercive control correctly;

• understanding the full range of tactics; and

• what myths about coercive control need to be busted.

As mentioned above, coercive control is a highly serious, damaging, potentially life-destroying form of abuse in its own right.